


flip a coin, punch a mirror (but never forget to close your eyes)

by Horny0nMain



Category: Original Work
Genre: Altered Mental States, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angst and Tragedy, Character Death, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, F/F, Female Characters, Gay Character, Inspired by Homestuck, Mental Health Issues, Moral Ambiguity, Morality, Multi, Nihilism, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Beta Read, Original Character(s), POV First Person, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trans Character, Urban Fantasy, Vigilantism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:27:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22530097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Horny0nMain/pseuds/Horny0nMain
Summary: Alternativly titled: three feral Gremlins try to act human.Your name is Idon and in order to save the world you need to kill yourself rituallisticaly in a remote setting. The only problem is you also haft to avoid dying before you get there. You are accompanied by the fatalistically chearfull Long Dead God of Inevitably, and your best friend Ana on your quest for a final and eternal rest.Please don't post to any other site...
Kudos: 1





	flip a coin, punch a mirror (but never forget to close your eyes)

**Author's Note:**

> Realistically speaking I am writing this to cope. If you read this brace yourself for a wildly inconsistent update scedual and near constant plot inconsistencyes as I am regularly retconning aspects of the story and will only be posting the fixed work in one go at the end.  
> If anyone volunteers to beta or wants to see my working draft/point out plot inconsistencyes/give me plot bunnies absolutely go for it, ask me in the comments or email me directly I'll send you my Most Updated version as a sudgestable Google doc. 
> 
> Also, and I feel like this is pretty obvious, Idon is defenently depressed and passively suicidal. It goes without saying that if those things are triggering to you you shouldn't read this. On the other hand it might be cathartic? He might recover (I'm not withholding this information on purpose I genuinely don't know where I'm going with it) or he might die before he gets a chance to.  
> Finally, while this story mostly follow Idon Ana and Alex(the longdead God of Inevitably) get pretty much equal POV time to him.

Your name is Idon Givafuk and your death seems pretty inevitable. There is a heart shaped hole in your chest and, consequently, your blood isn’t gushing all-over-the-fucking-place, but its not like your brain is getting new oxygen either. At least this way your outfit won’t be completely ruined.  
You are reminded of the time in fifth grade when Canta left you alone on the jungle gym and James, the jerk, decided it was a good time to harass you. The incident ended with one dislocated shoulder and a few missing baby teeth, but in the split second between you spitting a mouthful of blood into James's eyes and him wrenching your shoulder out of its socket you were so proud of every choice that had led up to that moment. You’d felt so fucking triumphant until the teachers arived  
You feel that way now, in that distant, muffled way that comes from having like, no oxygen in your brain anymore. At least you died for something. At least you’d finally get to rest. 

\---------------------------  
Your name is I’Nkilcan and you are the Long Dead Mother of All Eventualities, but that's a big mouthful! You’re a very nice lady, so you let people call you Alex. Your best-friend-turned-worst enemy tried to kill you yesterday and got a little bit murdered for his troubles, and you really need a pick-me-up! Besides, you’re coming off of a looooooong dry spell. So! The bar!  
As far as Long Dead Gods go, you’re pretty unremarkable! Which is why you blend in so well with the regular humans. But you did get some pretty sicnasty scars from your deadification… not too many though, your followers were mostly killed by way of poisoning during the initial siege. Which is a good thing because you had to speed up the inevitable for the ones who were tortured to death during the invading army’s conversion attempts. l’Nalum’s followers were really creative, and they really liked playing with l’Nalum’s food - but you have the awesome power to speed up eventualities so... lightning!! And cool almost floral tattoos!  
You are really very excited to be going out! Usually you have to watch out for l’Nalum and her followers but, well, she's dead! Finally! Not in the way you are, because you can still interact with the world of the living, but properly dead - her domain is now yours and it’s a little bit overwhelming. Being the Mother of Eventuality and Hopeless Struggle is taxing! Maybe the stress is why… Well anyways you need to get dressed.  
>> Get dressed.  
Your outfit is fabulous.  
>> Step outside.  
You go to the club instead of the bar. Dancing is fun! Also, it feels like there's something you need to do in that area. 

\---------------------------

You are a ghost. You left your body and, frustratingly, are not not existing, sleeping peacefully or continuing on to party on some totally ridonculous afterlife adventures. You are tragically awake and hanging on over your frankly disgusting corpse. That blood got everywhere and it is too gross. Also, your heart is in your hands in what was probably intended as a romantic gesture by your retrospectively terrible best (girl?)friend.  
You are starting to feel antsy. There is somewhere you need to be.  
>> Fly in a random direction

“Hey honey!” There is a woman smiling at you with… too many mouths? What? Also, she shouldn't be able to interact with you, you’re dead.  
“I’m talking to you here!” There is no one else on this street, she’s talking to you. The two mouths might have something to do with you being dead, or her being able to see you. Also, it seems like she’s teasing you.  
“What the fuck,” you deadpan.  
“No silly, that’s not how you start a conversation! Here I’ll go first. My name is Alex, nice to meet you!” She is definitely teasing you.  
“What the fuck,” you repeat. She honest to god giggles at that one.  
“You are probably feeling pretty tired right now, I think you want to move on. Have no fear! I am your patron - lowercase P, you aren’t pledged to me - and I will be speeding up your inevitable transition into the next stage!”  
“Let me reiterate, what the fuck” her face falls a little bit on the last one. Clearly ‘Alex’ is getting tired of your bullshit. That works out, so are you. You decide to throw her a bone.  
“My name is Idon, and I’m riding what may or may not be residual brain damage, tell me what I need to do”  
“Take me to your corpse.”  
>> Take her to your corpse.  
Your corpse looks just as gross as it did before. You watch in abject horror as Alex opens your heart like a fortune cookie and tongues at one of the valves. A look of dawning realization crosses her face and she sticks your heart back in its gross, soupy home. The degree to which she remains unbothered by the whole affair is frankly shocking - but your dead so everything is a bit muted. Still, something feels off.  
“What are you doing?” you ask. She doesn't respond.  
>> Take a closer look at her face  
Her eyes are closed but another pair has opened. They look different somehow, less bright and much, much angrier. Her mouth has gone slack and she is drooling. Gross. Her second mouth is frowning in concentration. You are suddenly very aware that something is wrong.  
>> React  
You flail wildly in her general direction. Your fine motor control was ok as a person inhabiting a body but seems to be nonexistent now. Also, your corpse is really grossing you out. The blood in your chest cavity is congealing as your body cools, which is way worse than it sounds. Alex, or whatever is possessing Alex, is still fondling your cooling heart. You poke them in the eye.  
“GUH” they scream. The second set of facial features abruptly vanishes as your heart drops back into your body with a wet plop. Your vision goes staticy but there is no light to go to.

And then suddenly you aren’t dead. You sit up, feel your blood slosh around a little bit uncomfortably, and blink a few times. The world seems heavier now. You turn your head and see Alex lying prostrate on the ground. She really flailed herself ass over teakettle on this one.  
>> Try to sit up.  
You try to sit up but appear to be leaking. The clots are much groser when they are escaping your somehow moving body. Thank fuck its too late for anyone to be out and about to see this. You lighty press your hand to your chest to keep the big stuff in and immediately vomit. The sheer violence of your disgusted retching almost propels your still heart straight out of your chest but not quite. You are abruptly reminded that everything is bad.  
>> Deal with this you coward  
You keep your hand pressed to your chest to keep your insides, well, inside. Slowly, you stand. You grab Alex in your other arm and haul ass back to your apartment: despite the possession she seemed like she really was trying to help, and meeting her again seems like an eventuality. Also, that position looked really uncomfortable and its cold out, though you aren’t feeling it yet.  
On the way back you encounter what seems to be an entire procession of ghosts. They glow golden and their teeth are stained with blood. All of them seem to have died fighting but from their garbs it is obvious this was in different conflicts. You hear the pounding of their steps like a drum, perfect unison in every movement. They carry flowers made of the same golden dust as them. As you pass them you feel their stares, but they seem more focused on their procession then on you.  
The soft melody and pounding rhythm follow you all the way to your apartment building. As usual, the elevator isn't working. You consider just… stashing her corps in the stairwell. Your conscious reminds you it exists, and also that you need her. You are left with no option but to drag Alex up the stairs. Both of you are covered in blood from your chest wound and you are exhausted. Around the third flight you falter and drop her but quickly recover, she only rolls a little bit. Whatever, any bruises are very much deserved.  
Finally you arrive at your apartment and stumble inside. You close the door, ditch Alex’s (maybe)corpse and disappear into the bathroom. Who gives a shit anymore: you need a four hour bath, an entire chocolate cake and 24 full hours of romantic comedy binge. 

\-------------------------------------------------  
Your name is Ana Dando and you are very worried about your roommate. At 3:16 exactly Idon stumbled through the door, dropped a body in the entryway and stumbled zombie like towards the bathroom, dripping something viscous. This is unusual, first because Idon usually comes home early and also because he came in dripping something viscous and dropped a corpse. You should turn on a light. Or administer first aid.  
>>Turn on the light.  
Order of operations is important here: you get your PEMDAS on. You carefully avoid the reflective spots on the floor as you make you way to the light switch, you aren’t wearing shoes and even if Idon wasn't dripping blood no liquid that moves that way is not gross as all hell. You flip the switch and immediately realize that yes, it is blood. And also, it's way too much blood that's too dark for one person to lose while staying consciousness and like, alive. This might be very bad.  
You don’t really want to break in the bathroom door, so you focus on the immediate problem which is the stranger passed out (hopefully) next to your front door. You put your hand to her nose and don’t feel breath - but your hand comes away with something bioluminescent and sticky. This is mad wack yo. You feel for a pulse and can’t find one. No breath and no heartbeat and your very basic first responder training is telling you it's time for the kiss of life.  
>> Smooch the corpse.  
You pinch her nose shut and opened her mouth, pressing your lips to hers forcefully. You exhale into her lungs and feel them inflate beneath your hands. You taste the glow. You pinch her nose again, exhale. Her rib cage spasms beneath your hands and she starts to really glow.  
>> Back away from the spontaneous resurrection.  
You scramble away quickly and hit your head on the coffee table.  
“Fuck!” you shout.  
You touch the back of your head and feel it is slightly wet. Weirdly, it stops hurting immediately. You look at your hand and find your blood is glowing slightly - this might be very bad. On the other hand you once read an article about a bioluminescent algae preventing trench rot during WWI so maybe that's what's happening. A problem for Future Ana. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

You wake up with the taste of cherry chapstick on your lips to see a mortal staring at you like a deer caught in the headlights. Not that you’ve hit many deer - you don't know how to drive! Still, they look pretty scared, probably should be approached with caution. Too bad you wouldn’t know caution if it struck you like the lightning that killed your followers!  
>> Stand up.  
You attempt to stand up but the floor wobbles a little bit. You were out for longer than you thought you’d been!  
“Hey, can I have some water?” You ask politely, because you are a guest in the home and also because you can’t actually make her right now - your powers are depleted by the threshold you entered without an invitation. They blink three times, opens their mouth, close it again, take a breath and finally get up to grab you some water. The back of their head is glowing slightly. You hope they know what they’re getting into by sealing your blood to their own but talking about that stuff is so awkward you really don’t want to explain it. Also, they’re cute and you don’t think it counts as a power imbalance if one party doesn't know and cannot act accordingly.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------  
Your blood is mixing with the water and really grossing you out. You think you’ve been feeling really grossed out for a long time now and are nearing you maximum grossness threshold. If this continues as it is, you are going to do a full piruett of the motherfucking handle. Do girls feel this way every month. Probably - maybe you can get used to it. It seems unreasonable to let your chest keep leaking this way though, so you get your first aid kit out from under the sink.  
Your first aid kid is comprehensive as fuck. You consider yourself to be a bit of an amateur doctor. It's a bit of a side gig, or maybe a hobby since it doesn't being in much cash money. It does get you some serious favores though, with have pulled you out of some very sticky pickles in the past.  
>> Stop reminiscing and deal with this.  
Right, the hole in your chest. When you were a kid you used to think you were imortal, having survived far too many stupid stunts. That might have been true - your heart got completely ripped out and despide just, flopping around in your ribcage for a solid few hours without beating your brain seems to still be working. Actually, everything that’s happened since your best friend killed you in an ally could be explained as your brains last croak. A feeverish halucination before an eternal damnation, or whatever-the-fuck.  
Anyways, it doesn't seem like you can die, but that doesn't mean you can be completely careless. You need to reattach the heart to the arteries it needs to be reaching. This might hurt a whole awful lot.  
>> Get on with it.  
You get on with it. You burn your needle to “sterilize” it even though there's probably an entire ecosystem’s worth of deadly bacteria in your chest cavity by now. You thread the needle, biting off the end of the string with your teeth because the scissors are just out of reach. Then you angle the small mirror in your bathroom so that you can see your own insides. It's really weird to be on both sides of an impromptu chest surgery - especially because despite a lack of aesthetic the open wound isn't hurting much. You let your mind wander while you stitch up your mess of a chest. Are you functionally immortal now? That would make a lot of things easier, especially if you don’t need to address your biological needs anymore. You wont need to buy food. You could get a new phone since yours was smashed and then bled on and, well, it probably isn't useful anymore. Or you could just get on a boat and float for a while. Sleep. Fish. Enjoy the solitude.  
You hear a knock at the door.  
“Five more minutes!” you shout.  
“I’ll give you thirty seconds” Ana replies.  
“I’m naked” you threaten.  
“I’ve seen your hot bod before Idon and it doesn't scare me,'' Ana rebukes “I’m coming in”.  
You hear the doorknob turn and hurriedly stitch the wound closed. She doesn't need to see your graphic injury and also your a little bit embarrassed about having it. Besides that you haven't had the time or headspace to process everything as it relates to your injury and you don’t need her prodding. The door rattles but doesn't open. You remember that you spent the morning fixing the lock. You are definitely having some serious luck today.  
“Did you finally fix the bathroom door?” Ana asks.  
“Yes and please don't break it again… I’ll be out in a second”  
You tie off the surgical thread and rinse off in the shower. Then you wrap a towel around your entire torso and unlock the door. Ana looks quite flustered, but somehow you don’t think it's because you are showing off you killer legs.  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------  
You are feeling very flustered. So far this night has been an emotional roller coaster. First Idon sent that extremely cryptic message making you worry for the worst, then he showed up after midnight bleeding and dragging a body, then body turned out to be alive and slapped your ass, and now Idon is acting weird and cagy. You saw the first aid supplies on the bathroom counter and you saw the blood on the bathroom floor - he’s supposed to let you stitch him up when it's him that comes home bleeding dang it!  
>> Follow him into his bedroom.  
You follow him into his bedroom, which is also your room. You have cool bunk beds! Well, one elevated bed and one mattress on the floor. It’s like, basically Japanese style. You also have a hammock with a sleeping bag in it for guests, and the couch outside pulls out. Basically, you have the worst home ever to have guests in. Privacy is for pussies anyways.  
Idon turns away from you to change, which is out of character. Usually he isn't at all self conscious about his body around you - you’ve known each other since college and… what happens in dorms stays in dorms. He’s definitely hiding an injury. Hopfully not a life threatening one, though he usually isen’t this stupid about life threatening things. The silence is a little bit uncomfortable.  
“Who’s the chick outside?” you ask.  
“Hmm? Oh, that’s Alex” he replies, completely unhelpfully.  
“Ok but like, how do you know her? Why is she here?”  
You think you hear him say “she followed my ghost to my corps and I think she might know why I can’t die” but that seems crazy.  
“What? I think I misheard you.”  
“She found me on patrol and helped me out, but got knocked unconscious. I brought her here so she wouldn’t get arrested when the cops found the crimescene” Idon lies, like a liar. He might be joking, it's harder to tell if he’s serious with his head turned away from you.  
You want to call him out for lying to you. The look on his face makes you refrain. He trusts her and you trust his judgement, even if he is being more of a dumbass than usual today. Having pulled on a grey long sleeve shirt Idon turns back around to face you. He ambles over to the closet and pulls on a pain of cargo shorts but no underwear, like a heathen. The shorts are highlighter orange. They say “Fuck the Police” across the ass. He completes the ensemble with a matching orange scarf. It is cold in your apartment today, but you are certain he makes these fashion choices just to spite you.  
You on the other hand dress reasonably, and seasonably. You are wearing black sweatpants and a very soft brown sweater you got at an estate sale. A beanie and toe socks complete the look, because it's winter and it's easier to layer up than pay the heating bill. You put your hands in your pants because its cold and you don't care, and you and Idon wander into the kitchen.  
“Why didn’t you call me at 12?” you ask.  
“My phone broke”  
Despite having assumed as much, you are still disappointed. It would be nice to have a phone last Idon more than a month but not even Nokia can keep up with him.  
“Have you eaten?” you ask.  
“No but I’m not hungry” Idon responds.  
“I could eat” Alex chirps. You nearly jump out of your skin. Alex is very loud and also very stealthy. People don’t get the jump on you easily and the simple fact that Alex managed to sneak up on you, whether purposefully or not, speakers either to how dangerous Alex is or how off your game you are. Maybe both.  
You amble over to the kitchen and check the fridge. There is a bottle of Sriracha sauce, a moldy tomato and half and onion in it. Looks like its pasta for dinner tonight. You set the water to boil and cut up the onion, throwing it in the pot for variety. You add some pepper and some salt, and an entire chili in because it feels right. You replace the lid and go to look for your phone. Then you clean the bathroom. Then you set Idon’s clothes to soak in the tub. You should give Alex a change of clothes.  
>> Get Alex a change of clothes.  
You get her a The water is boiling” Alex says, from wayyy too close to your neck. You feel your skin turn to gooseflesh as her breath tickles your ear. If you were a coward, you would set some personal boundaries.  
>> Up the ante.  
You turn your head slightly so your lips almost touch.  
“I’ll go add the pasta” you murmur, eyes half lidded, making just a little too much contact as you maneuver around her.  
As you turn to leave the room you catch a glimpse of the dazed look on Alexe’s face and feel both proud and satisfied.  
In the other room the water is, in fact, broiling. You dump the whole box of pasta in there because you don’t understand portion sizes and also because if there are leftovers you’ll at least have some ready to eat food in the apartment. You grab the tongues and stir the pasta around for a minute before Alex reappears.  
“Do you want to shower or something?” you ask.  
“I’d much rather hang out here with you” Alex replies, salaciously. That sounds dangerously like a compliment, it's time to deflect!  
“Are you sure? You smell like dumpster and desperation.” You are basically the best at deflecting.  
“Oh, that's probably from the ally… show me how to work the tub?”  
You put a lid on the pasta and lead Alex to the bathroom. Idon has closed the door of your room and is continuing to be shifty as fuck.  
“Pull to turn on the water, turn right for hot and left for cold. The towel on the rack is mine but its clean if you prefer towel drying to air drying - come get me when your done so we can get you some clean clothes.”  
“Thanks, see you soon.”  
Alex doesn't wait for you to leave to start stripping. You notice her scars? tattoos? continue all the way down her back. You decide to oilie out before you start drooling and reveal yourself as a total creeper. Sometimes life is just like that.  
You close the bathroom door on the way out and catch Idon giving you a knowing look. You shoot him an angry frown back. Then you continue to the kitchen where the pasta has boiled oven and made an entire mess. This is a problem for future Ana, or in all likelihood, future Idon. You strain the pasta into the Big Pot and add coconut oil because it's what you have in the cabinet. You have created a culinary monstrosity.  
“That is a culinary monstrosity Ana” Idon teases.  
“If you want good food get groceries and cook for yourself.” This argument is well rehearsed enough that it's easier to skip to its conclusion. “Just drown it in hot sauce and stop whining.”  
Idon shrugs in response to that. That’s your favorite thing about Idon - the second he hears the word whining he shuts the fuck up. Despite his whinging, Idon pretty much immediately tucks into the pasta mess you’ve made, which is gratifying and also exposes him as a total hypocrite. You get your munch on too - you aren't about to not enjoy the fruits of your labors.


End file.
